in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
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