Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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