I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
