I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
time to smoke my breakfast
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
