I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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