take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
