oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
