I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Randomize
