the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
whose parrot is this?
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
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