i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
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