i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Randomize