Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
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