i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize