made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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