note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
