and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize