I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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