Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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