UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
