I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
