I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Houston, we have a squirter
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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