Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
