hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
The air taste purple.
Randomize
