I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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