I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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