every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
