he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
redhead is getting on the bull...again red head is getting on the bull!
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
