Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Randomize
