I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Randomize
