im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
