Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Randomize
