I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I can't turn off my feet"
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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