between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
