i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize