just tell him i said nine months
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
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