why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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