Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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