Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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