found the other keg... it's in the tree
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
