he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize
