i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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