I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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