I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize
