dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
