help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize