i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
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