I looked at my own cervix.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
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