Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
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