You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Randomize
