your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
