when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Semen is not good for contacts.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
