dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Randomize
