my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
