Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
