i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
