take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
