We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
