from now on my penis is your penis
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
Randomize
