No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
Randomize
