My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Randomize